Lincoln Women's Aid

Domestic Abuse - The Myths

There are many myths and prejudices about Domestic abuse. Not only do these myths lead to many women feeling unable or unworthy of seeking help, they also cause unnecessary suffering. Women may come to believe the myths in an attempt to justify, minimise or deny the violence they are experiencing. Acknowledging the myths can be an important part of coming to terms with what is really happening.

“ It can’t be that bad or she’d leave.” *

Women stay in violent relationships for reasons ranging from love to terror. There are also practical reason why women stay; they may be afraid of the repercussions if they attempt to leave, they may be afraid of becoming homeless, they may worry about losing their children. They may fear poverty and isolation.
Some women may decide to return to their partner - the children may be missing their dad, she may believe that her partner will change and everything will be fine when she goes home.

50% of women interviewed during research for 'Starting Over' had been the victim of post-separation violence, so leaving doesn't always stop the violence.

"It's just the odd domestic tiff. All couples have them."

Violence by a man against a woman he lives with commonly includes rape, punching or hitting her, pulling her hair out, threatening her with a gun or a knife of even attempting to kill her. Often women who have been abused will say that the violence is not the worst of their experiences - it is the emotional abuse that goes with it.

"She must ask for it / deserves it / provokes it."

There is no justification for violence. No one 'deserves' to be beaten or emotionally tortured, least of all by someone who says they love you.

Often prolonged exposure to violence has the effect of making the woman believe that she deserves to be hurt. It can distort confidence and some women may start to rationalise their partner's behaviour. Women often blame themselves because they have been told consistently that the violence is all their fault.

"They must come from violent backgrounds."

Many men who are violent towards their families or their partner come from families with no history of violence. Many families in which violence occurs do not produce violent men. Blaming violence on men's own experience can offer men who abuse an excuse for their own behaviour, but it denies the experiences of the majority of individual survivors of abuse who do not go on to abuse others.

A violent man is responsible for his own actions and has a choice in how he behaves.

Domestic Abuse - The Facts